‘I want to give my children all the opportunities I did not have,’ parents often say. If that’s you, then read on because you might not meet your child’s emotional needs.
I’m a parent. I love my child and want them to do well. And as I figure out how to parent, I often take inspiration from my childhood. Especially the things that went wrong, I want to do right – I want to spare them the pain. I want my child to have a better childhood than I had.
Also, the things that made me feel loved, I want to make sure I do them for my child so they can feel loved too.
Sounds familiar?
What if I told you that you might not meet your child’s emotional needs in the process?
For years, I saw the pain of my childhood and tried to make sure I now met those emotional needs of my child that hadn’t been met for me when I was young. But then I also began to notice I just seemed to replicate the pain. How could that be?
How did that happen?
Recently, I realised that even though I am an adult my Inner Child was still looking to have its needs met. The needs I thought were my child’s were, in fact, mine.
I had tried to give out of an empty bucket. And not just that. The more I focussed on meeting my own needs, the more I realised that my child had different needs. It was painful to learn that not only did I give from an empty bucket, but I had also tried to fill a non-existing one.
What did I learn?
My child’s needs can be different from mine. What made me feel loved might not do the same for them. What caused me pain might never be an issue for them. My child is separate from me, and my Inner Child still wants my attention.
Knowing that, I can learn to take better care of myself. Instead of writing off my Inner Child’s needs, I can focus on noticing my needs and providing what I missed out on when I was little.
Owning my needs and taking care of them stops me from projecting my needs onto my child. And that sets me up to meet my child’s actual needs because I can see my child for who they are with their genuine needs without being distracted by my Inner Child’s cries for attention.