All over the world, couples struggle with conflict resolution in their relationship. Unfortunately, most of us dread conflict and so did I.
In my early 20s, two young women rocked my boat. One was my girlfriend at the time, who at some point told me that she did not love me anymore because we could not argue. The other woman told me she would never enter a romantic relationship because I was too kind.
I still needed to learn what these two were on about. How on earth can someone be too kind? And why would someone enjoy conflict? Wasn’t love all about making a relationship as harmonious and peaceful as possible? Didn’t real love bear all things, believe, hope, and endure all things?
I was blind to the fact that I had rejected the idea of peaceful and healthy conflict in my strive for peace, love and happiness. My conflict avoidance was masked as a heroic act of sacrificial love and kindness. Any challenge to those ideas felt like a revelation of what was wrong with the world and caused me to double down next time. I wanted to be the perfect lover and show everyone how wrong they were.
The unconscious lies I believed and defended started to unravel a few weeks after I married. My wife and I were introduced to a couple who became our mentors, Pete and Pam. Pete began to help me see some of my misconceptions about conflict. He started a revolution inside me from a conflict avoider to a conflict lover.
Over the years, I came to realise more misconceptions about conflict. So, let’s review some common misconceptions I have observed before learning about healthy conflict.
Misconception #1: Conflicts destroy relationships
One of the first questions Pete asked us was, ‘how many arguments do you guys have?’ I felt subdued and embarrassed as we had at least one big argument every week. At this stage, we were married for just a few weeks. After I told Pete about it, he laughed (in his reassuring way) and said, ‘I think you guys don’t have enough conflict.’ Everything inside me cringed. Not enough conflict? I strongly disagreed. In my opinion, we had too many conflicts. That was why I hoped we’d find a mentor to help us build a passionate, peaceful, harmonious relationship. More conflict was not on my agenda. In fact, at that time, I believed that conflict erodes and eventually destroys relationships.
Pete challenged my perspective on conflicts. He highlighted that conflicts present opportunities to learn about each other’s differences and how we complement each other. Conflicts provide opportunities to grow closer while supporting each other to become more confident in being different. I loved the idea of complementing each other for years and knew of the massive benefits of collaboration. But I found the conflict caused by the differences challenging to handle. At the same time, I also realised that my conflict avoidance strategy made things worse, and I was open to a new approach.
Pete encouraged us to learn to raise conflicts proactively. He pointed out that not all conflicts are arguments – something I certainly believed. He helped us become aware of our differences and encouraged us to raise things as soon as we felt them. He highlighted that those big arguments result from not challenging things early.
Misconception #2: Harmony is the absence of conflict
Soulmate – a word – I have heard many times over the years – that sounds like people are looking for someone to enjoy life with effortlessly. Before I learned about the value of conflict, I would have described a soulmate relationship as composed of two people that are on the same wavelength all the time. Day in and day out, without conflict, we would agree on how we want to do life together. I strived for that in my 20s.
Nowadays, I become suspicious when couples tell me that they never argue. While they might have found the magic arrangement to avoid all conflict, I often notice a lack of a vital ingredient to a passionate relationship – connection. To me, such relationships feel functional and transactional. I would not call that harmony.
Harmony in the world around us is not the absence of friction, tension and resistance. Harmony is not the sound of one wavelength – a single tone. Nothing would work without friction, tension, resistance, and multiple wavelengths in the world around us. Equally, harmonious beauty relies on the composition’s contrasting colours and tension. Harmony is not the absence of conflict; it is, in fact, its very presence with a key ingredient.
In music, harmony is made of at least two tones; a complete harmony has at least three. To create a melodic harmony, you must tune those tones to complement each other. The same is true for friction. Too much friction would mean that your car does not move at all. Too little friction causes a vehicle to slide. The tyres’ friction needs to be just right to be helpful – it needs tuning. The same is true for the tension of springs. Too much and too little are unhelpful. The right amount of tension makes it valuable.
Harmony is tuned conflict. Our relational conflicts need tuning to help us unleash the full potential of our differences. And no, compromising is not part of that, which leads straight to our next misconception.
Misconception #3: Conflict resolution is about finding a compromise
‘You need to learn to meet in the middle,’ many parents teach their children. Many adults give the same advice to couples who struggle with conflict.
The desire to compromise stems from two motives. One is generosity, and the other is our strive for peace. There is nothing wrong with either when they follow healthy conflict and don’t compromise our authenticity.
Unfortunately, both kinds of compromise often tend to be an instrument to avoid further conflict. Because we don’t like the emotional tension we experience in conflict, we try to fix issues by agreeing on a middle way. We avoid facing our inner pain by focusing on improving triggering behaviours without addressing the cause.
Behaviour is a symptom, not the cause. – Kevin Strauss, Founder of Uchi
While changing behaviour can give you temporary relief from discussing the same stuff repeatedly, it also moves the conflict to the inside of each of you. Why? Because each of you has to give up something you value and agree to something you are not hundred per cent happy with. Cheap compromise forces you to leave your genuine authenticity behind and enter a space where none of you is pleased.
Denying ourselves to be happy and authentic is almost impossible long term. The denial to bring your unhappiness and authenticity to the table will eventually eat you alive from the inside. And when the pain becomes unbearable, you explode or implode and cause more pain. You will ultimately do the thing you want to avoid at all costs – hurting your loved one.
I hope you can see that compromising to appease your relationship will eventually compromise you and your relationship. Compromise is a conflict’s worst and least desirable outcome because it focuses on issues and behaviour without addressing the actual cause.
That leads to our fourth misconception about conflict.
Misconception #4: Conflict is about issues
One conflict I worked through with a couple deeply highlighted how little conflict is about issues. Let’s call them Olivia and Luke.
They had just had their first baby when they contacted me. Luke was working full-time and couldn’t wait to withdraw into his own world after a stressful day in a busy office. Olivia tried to care for the baby and her business while maintaining order in the household. Those of you who have small children can probably relate to their struggles.
One of the reoccurring conflicts they faced was about chores. Olivia felt that Luke did not take enough responsibility for keeping the house in order. Every time she tried to raise the issue, Luke initially ignored her attempt to talk about it. Trying to get a response, Olivia would get angrier and angrier and raise her voice. At some point, Luke would have enough of the intrusion into his inner peace and explode. Both would end up in full-blown arguments, which began to take a toll on their relationship.
Arguments about chores are common. My wife and I have had those discussions, too. And, yes, I am a stereotypical man who does not see small places that need attention until I perceive it as total chaos – by which time my wife is almost losing it.
Anyway, back to Olivia and Luke.
Do you know what we discovered in our session? Luke hated conflict. His initial withdrawal was not an unwillingness to address the subject but his difficulty with conflicts in general. We learned that in his family, things were never talked through. Unconsciously, he had learned as a child that ignoring difficult situations is the best and least painful way to deal with conflict. That did not work with Olivia. In her family, arguments were often heated. Raging in anger was a way to make yourself heard. However, Olivia’s underlying motive was the most exciting thing we discovered about her. We learned that she felt terrible when the house was not in perfect order because it would offend her mother should she visit unexpectedly.
Olivia’s conflict was not about chores or with Luke but her relationship with her mother.
The session’s outcome was that Luke became aware of Olivia’s struggles to please her mother. And Olivia learned that Luke loved her but was emotionally overwhelmed and did not know how to engage in conflict to make himself heard.
Do you see something? The conflict was never really about the raised issue of chores. It was all about people. If we had done the traditional thing and just agreed on a chores schedule that both are happy with, we would have missed the opportunities to learn about the people, their values and their struggles.
During our sessions, I taught them skills to listen for more profound issues and enabled them to discover each other like never before through conflict. They also learned to support each in growing in their authenticity. They later reported that our sessions gave them the foundation for the best conversations since.
My wife, I, and other couples have also learned to focus on the people, not the issues and behaviours. And we have had some fantastic discovery conversations ever since.
Conflict resolution is not about compromising behaviour but prioritising and syncing values.
Untrue truths we tell ourselves about conflicts in our relationship
While not technically misconceptions, looking at the statements below fits perfectly into this article as they cause us to disengage from conflict, similar to the above misconceptions.
“The main thing is that we love each other.”
Sure, love is the main ingredient in a relationship. But when love means to avoid conflict or to have no boundaries, what is love? Is your definition of love to endure whatever is thrown at you? I certainly believed that when I was younger. I always went out of my way when conflict arose, thinking it was a great way to show my love. But it is not. Brené Brown said in her book Dare to Lead, ‘Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.’ If we always move out of the way, we are like fish that slip through our hands. We make it impossible for our partners to get to know us. Desperately trying to be kind at all costs, we unconsciously push our partners away and prevent them from seeing our values and needs clearly. Our perceived kindness is not loving but a mask behind which we hide. Our kindness is a conflict coping mechanism and a desperate cry for love and affirmation. It is often the currency we hope can buy us what we need or at least prove to ourselves that we deserve to receive something back.
“We are fine; arguments are normal.”
That something is normal does not mean that it is good. This lie is probably the leading cause of why people seek help when they have caused each other so much pain that they’ve almost reached the point of no return. While healing, restoration and reconciliation are possible in such cases, you must be prepared for a long and challenging process that demands unconditional commitment to the relationship and willingness to learn and change from both partners.
Please, don’t ignore the pain you cause each other. Constant painful arguments are not a healthy norm. We don’t need to shout at each or do other hurting things to make our case. The earlier you seek help, the easier the healing journey.
“Why bother? There is nothing I can do about it. They will never change.”
These types of statements I find heartbreaking. When I hear them, I hear resentment and a loss of hope. I often wonder what these people think about their relationships when alone. Do they still have a sense of connection, or are they just staying together because that’s what you promised at the altar?
I don’t wish anyone to be in such a position, and if you are, I hope you will look for help to revive your passionate love.
Conclusion
Conflict is not what destroys relationships, but conflict avoidance that leads to painful and hurtful arguments.
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